there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
is it fun? or sober?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
