Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
