I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
