i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
