Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
