Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
