I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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