If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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