I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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