you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
