i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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