I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
