he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
