So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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