I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
