I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
