Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
