I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
