You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
cat food counts as protein by the way
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
