My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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