You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
