Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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