So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
