I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize