It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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