You smell like stripper and shame
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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