They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
