fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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