Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
