I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
