I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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