Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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