You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
