You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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