we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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