My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
