The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
