The maid of honor just puked.
I faked an abortion last night.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
