I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
