I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
