Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
