My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
