when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
