There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
