Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
