we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i want to swaddle you in tequila
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
