The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
