Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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