my phone needs a breathalizer
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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