with your own penis?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
