His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
