I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
