I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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