Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize