I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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