So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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