distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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