o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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