omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
