careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
