sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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